Dear Mom
by indigobutterfly
Summary: What if Teresa Lisbon keeps a diary, and she writes to her mom? Multichapter, set after episode 6x08, so if you haven't watched that episode yet, do not read this entry.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Mommy,

today was one of the longest days of my life.  
Today I lost my best friend, I lost my job, my team and friends.  
I saw the empty spaces of the CBI, and I felt like when dad threw all your clothes away.  
Today I felt really alone.  
My best friend killed the man who destroyed his life many years ago.  
You always used to tell me that revenge is like a drop of poison you drink every single day, until it will eventually kill you.  
I always tried to keep that in mind in my job, mom.  
And I tried to avoid that kind of end for my best friend.  
But at a certain point, I had to choose between being his colleague and partner at work, and being just his best friend.  
And when he asked me to give him my gun, I felt like he was asking me to be just his friend. And when I had to choose if I had to help him escape the FBI, I knew the answer all along.  
I know killing a man is wrong, and I will always have to deal with the fact that I helped my best friend doing so. But Jane didn't deserve to find his little daughter and his wife dead, either. So you see my dilemma.  
I prayed and I thought about you so much, mom. I asked for your help, and in the end the only decision I could take was that I had to help my best friend.  
By helping him, I lost everything. It's incredible how your life can change so much in an instant. It was like when dad told me you weren't coming home, not that day, not ever.  
Looking at my empty office, I suddenly missed you so much, mom.  
And I wish you could be here, I wish I could listen to your soothing voice telling me that everything is going to be all right. That I will find another place to stay, that I will see my team and friends again. That I will see my best friend again. I hope he is alive, he is all right. I hope he didn't give up on life. And one day, who knows...  
You always used to tell me that miracles happen the moment we decide to make them happen. That if I have faith, if I am strong, everything is going to be all right, eventually.  
It's just that today, today it's been such a long, exhausting day. I have little faith today.  
I'm so sorry, I know you don't like seeing me like this, mom.  
I promise I will face this hard time, like I did in the past. And I will take care of myself. I promise. I won't disappoint you.  
Tonight, I will keep your cross a little closer to my heart.

I wish you could be here right now, mommy.

I love you always,  
Reese.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Mom,

I'm sitting by the fire right now, Grace and Wayne have just left. It was so good to see them again, I missed them, so much. I miss Cho, too, very much. I'm happy they seem to have found their place, a good job, after everything that happened. They deserve it, they deserve stability.  
It's nice living here, I've decided. No one knows my past, they don't know why I've chosen this remote place in Washington to live.  
But I need the peace, I need the quiet. I need to feel like I know what it's going to happen today, and tomorrow, and next week. I need to come back home at a decent hour, and sleep knowing there won't be any phone calls to wake me up.  
With Jane, every day has been a... surprise? Jane. I miss him too, so so much. Despite the fact that he made my life a roller coaster ride in the past 10 years, I loved when the roller coaster ride would bring us up, making us smile.  
And, you know what Mom? He managed to find a way to surprise me, again. Just when I thought I would never hear from him anymore, one day I received a letter. And I keep on receiving them, regularly. He writes me about his days, the place he lives, the things I'd love to see there. And he says he misses me.  
He signs his letters with "U No Hoo", which makes me smile all the times. So far away, he still manages to make me smile.  
I'm happy he reached out to me, to let me know he's ok. I'm keeping all his letters, and reading them makes me feel like I'm still part of his life, and he's still part of mine.  
No matter if I will never see him again, he'll always be part of my life.  
I think I just need to figure my life out, sooner or later.  
For the moment, I'm fine here. I like my quiet days, for now.

But I feel so much better you know, Mom. I really do.  
I think about the past a lot, of course. I miss having my team around, I miss the familiar places and the CBI, the coffee in the morning, the donuts Grace used to buy me from time to time. I miss that kind of routine.  
But I have faith the future will be good to me. I'm doing my best to put the pieces together. I'm on my own again, I feel like when I first ran away from Chicago. I was alone and unsure what the future would have brought me, but I was hopeful. I feel the same way right now.  
I hope wherever you are Mom, you can read this, you can see me, and know I'm ok.  
I've talked with Tommy and Annie again last night, and they were just telling me how proud they are, that I'm starting all over again. It made me feel good.  
I know I will be ok.

I love you always,  
Reese


End file.
